Emotional labor is what happens when you push down your own stress to stay calm and supportive for someone else.
Emotional labor is common in caregiving roles, customer service jobs, relationships, and parenting. It also tends to fall more heavily on women, people of color, and LGBTQ+ people.
Constantly putting others’ feelings before your own can leave you anxious, resentful, and emotionally drained. Therapy can help you set boundaries and prioritize your needs.
Imagine your friend had a rough day and wants to vent. Even though you’re feeling overwhelmed too, you push your emotions aside to be there for them. This is an example of emotional labor, and it can’t always be avoided. But if it happens all the time, it can leave you feeling worn out, stressed, or even resentful.
Most people don’t even realize they’re engaging in emotional labor. It often feels like simply being a good friend, parent, or coworker. Yet, over time, consistently suppressing your own feelings to care for others can lead to emotional exhaustion.
Therapy and self-care can help you manage emotional labor — especially if you’re used to putting everyone else first. Self-care gives you space to recharge and build resilience. Therapy can help you set healthy boundaries and remind you that your needs matter too.
How emotional labor manifests
Emotional labor is the effort it takes to manage your own emotions while also tending to the feelings of others. Research shows that people assigned female at birth bear more emotional labor at home and at work. Emotional labor also affects people in caregiving roles — like health professionals, teachers, and customer service workers — as well as people of color, LGBTQ+ people, parents, and caregivers more than others.
Emotional labor often takes two forms: surface acting and deep acting. Surface acting means faking a smile to hide your frustration, even when you’re upset inside. Deep acting is when you try to feel the emotion you’re expected to show, like convincing yourself to feel cheerful even when you’re not.
Here’s how emotional labor might show up in various settings:
At work: Your coworker often wants to vent about her family. You find yourself taking on the role of emotional support when you’re already stretched thin with projects.
In a relationship: You ask your partner for help with household chores, but you still end up doing most of the laundry, cooking, and cleaning — even though you both work full time. Over time, this imbalance can leave you feeling frustrated, resentful, and drained.
In families: Maybe you’re the one in your family who keeps everyone connected. You check in on relatives, organize gatherings, and offer emotional support, even when you’re running on empty. Saying no makes you feel like you’re letting them down.
As a parent: Your child is having a meltdown, and you’re on the verge of tears yourself. Yet you put your own emotions aside to comfort and guide your child.
Emotional labor isn’t always a bad thing — caring for others is part of life. But when it becomes constant or one-sided, it can take a real toll on your mental health.
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The dark side of serving others
Emotional labor and mental health are deeply connected because both involve how we manage emotions — our own and others. When emotional labor becomes constant or one-sided, it can take a toll on our mental well-being.
Emotional labor can impact your mental health in many ways, including:
Experiencing chronic stress and burnout: Constantly managing your emotions while supporting others can wear you down. With time, this emotional strain can lead to burnout, fatigue, and emotional exhaustion.
Developing anxiety and depression: When you’re always the one holding it together, your own needs often fall by the wayside. Keeping your emotions bottled up and never asking for support can increase your risk of anxiety, depression, and low self-worth, especially if you feel unappreciated.
People pleasing: If you’re a people pleaser, you might tend to suppress your needs to keep others happy. This often means faking calm, or acting cheerful when you’re exhausted, which is emotional labor in action.
Lacking self-care: When you’re always managing others’ emotions, self-care often gets sidelined. Without space to rest and recharge, it’s easy to feel drained, irritable, or even hopeless.
Absorbing others’ emotions: Empathetic people who often do emotional labor can become an “emotional sponge.” This happens when they feel others’ emotions deeply as if they were their own. In this situation, it’s hard to set boundaries.
Signs you may be doing too much emotional labor:
You feel unappreciated, even though you’re constantly supporting others emotionally.
You script your emotions by faking smiles, hiding frustration, and carefully wording things so you don’t upset anyone.
You struggle to say no or feel guilty setting boundaries, even when it comes at your own expense.
You feel emotionally wiped out after everyday social interactions that seem low-stakes on the surface, like chatting with coworkers or catching up with a friend.
Finding balance with emotional labor
Managing emotional labor in a healthy way starts with self-awareness, setting healthy boundaries, and remembering that you can care for others without losing yourself in the process.
Some practical and compassionate ways to find balance include:
Learning to say no: You don’t have to be available to everyone all the time. Saying no doesn’t make you unkind. Rather, it’s an act of self-care that protects your time, energy, and well-being.
Setting healthy boundaries: Setting boundaries protects your mental and emotional health. It’s OK to say something like, “I want to be here for you, but I’m feeling worn out right now. Can we talk a little later?”
Prioritizing mutual relationships: Focus your emotional energy on people who show up for you. One-sided relationships can leave you feeling emotionally drained, resentful, and unsupported.
Practicing self-care: When you’re constantly managing other people’s feelings, it’s easy to neglect your own. Making self-care a priority gives you time to recharge and reduce stress.
Trying mindfulness techniques: Because mindfulness teaches you to recognize your thoughts and feelings in the moment, it can catch you when you’re pushing your own needs aside. Mindfulness approaches to explore include meditation, journaling, and deep breathing.
Seeking support: If you feel yourself constantly providing emotional labor and putting your needs aside, you’re not alone. A therapist can help guide you in setting boundaries, managing stress, and learning to speak up for yourself. You can also find comfort and encouragement by joining a support group, online or in person, where others understand what you’re going through. Sharing your experiences can be the first step in feeling more understood and less overwhelmed.
A helpful mindset shift is realizing that taking care of yourself isn’t selfish — it’s necessary. You can be a good friend or partner and set boundaries to protect your own well-being. Caring for yourself helps you show up stronger and healthier for the people you care about.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
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Practicing emotional labor can look like being a good friend, partner, or coworker. But if you’re constantly supporting others and ignoring your own needs in the process, it can take a toll on your mental health. Going to therapy can support you in setting healthy boundaries and finding a better balance between your needs and the needs of others.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.
Linda Childers
Linda is an award-winning medical writer with experience writing for major media outlets, health companies, hospitals, and both consumer and trade print and digital outlets.
Her articles have appeared in the Washington Post, USA Today, WebMD, AARP, Brain+Life, HealthyWomen.org, The Rheumatologist, California Health Report, Everyday Health, HealthCentral, and many other media outlets.
While juggling the responsibilities of being part of the “sandwich generation” and caring for both her toddler son and terminally ill mother, a nurse friend encouraged her to seek therapy, which helped her to learn coping strategies and manage her depression. Linda hopes her work will help to destigmatize mental health conditions and encourage others to get the help they need.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
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