People might be mean because they feel insecure or threatened, want to be in control, or don’t know how to handle their emotions in a healthy way.
Being around mean people can affect your mental and physical health [1]. It can increase your anxiety, lower your self-esteem, and even lead to sleep problems, headaches, and other stress-related issues.
Therapy can help you understand why people act mean, build your confidence, and teach you healthier ways to respond.
Maybe it was the friend who left a snarky comment on your latest Instagram post. Or the coworker who invited everyone in the office, except you, to their birthday lunch. We’ve all had those moments when someone acts rude or cold for no clear reason, and we can’t help but think, “Why is everyone so mean to me?”
If it seems like people have become meaner in recent years, it’s not just you. According to a recent Pew Research study [2], almost half of all Americans report that rudeness is on the rise. There isn’t one single cause, but rather a mix of factors — including chronic stress, burnout, and how online interactions have made it easier to forget there’s a real person on the other side of the screen.
While you can’t always change a mean person, you can change how you react. By staying calm and setting clear boundaries, you protect your peace and not let their meanness get to you.
What’s really behind mean behavior?
People can be mean for lots of reasons. Most of the time, it has more to do with their own challenges than anything you did. Their behavior often reflects their pain, fear, or frustration — not your worth as a person. That doesn’t make their behavior OK, but it can help you take it less personally.
Here are some common reasons people act mean [3]:
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1. They feel threatened or insecure
If someone is jealous or intimidated by you, they may try to tear you down to feel better about themselves. Their rudeness is a defense mechanism, not real confidence. Several mental health concerns, like anxiety disorders, low self-esteem, depression, borderline personality disorder (BPD), and anxious attachment, can make someone feel deeply insecure and act out, often in ways that look like anger or defensiveness.
2. They underestimate you
Some mean people test others to see how much they can get away with. If you’re polite, quiet, or a kind person, they may wrongly assume you won’t stand up for yourself. Certain personality traits and mental health concerns like narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), antisocial traits, or deep insecurity can make someone more likely to underestimate others. That’s why setting clear boundaries is important.
3. They lack emotional maturity
Some people never learned how to manage their emotions. Instead of talking things out or expressing how they feel, they act out with anger, coldness, or passive-aggressive comments. Some mental health concerns and neurodevelopmental conditions might make it harder to express emotions in a healthy, mature way.
4. They have unresolved emotional pain
Past trauma, a painful breakup, losing someone, or money problems can create emotional baggage. When people don’t process those feelings, it can show up as anger, emotional immaturity, or shutting down. This unresolved emotional pain can make it hard to connect with others.
5. They’re overwhelmed or stressed
When someone doesn’t know how to handle stress in a healthy way, they might snap at whoever is closest, even if it’s not that person’s fault. Some mental health conditions, like attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), might make it more likely for someone to get overwhelmed.
6. They want control or power
Some people act mean to feel in charge or dominate a situation. They may target others to boost their ego or gain attention. Mental health conditions like antisocial personality disorder [4] (ASPD) and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) might cause someone to be mean to gain control or protect their sense of power.
7. They developed unhealthy communication habits
Some people were raised in homes where yelling, sarcasm, or criticism seemed normal. These early experiences shape how they learn to handle emotions, relationships, and conflict. If they never learned healthy communication, they may act mean without even realizing it.
8. They have a hard time with empathy
Some people have a hard time understanding or caring about how their words or actions affect others. This can be due to a lack of emotional awareness, being raised in a cold or critical home, or mental health concerns like narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or alexithymia. It might also be due to a neurodevelopmental condition like autism spectrum disorder (ASD).
How to handle mean behavior from others
Dealing with mean people can be hard. But you can respond calmly and protect yourself.
Some strategies to try include:
Focus on your self-worth. Mean people often try to make others feel small, but your value doesn’t depend on their opinion. Remind yourself of your strengths, accomplishments, and positive qualities that make you who you are. When you know your worth, their mean words lose power.
Stay calm. Responding with anger gives them control because you “took the bait.” Instead, remain calm, which takes away their power. It also prevents you from saying something you might regret.
Don’t take it personally. Even if someone’s behavior or comments feel personal, remember their meanness is most often about them — whether it’s due to stress, insecurity, or pain. Reminding yourself of that helps reduce the emotional impact.
Set clear boundaries. When someone is mean and you choose to address it, calmly say something like, “I don’t appreciate being spoken to that way.” Boundaries show self-respect and let others know what behavior you won’t tolerate.
Know when to confront someone. It can be worth speaking up when the mean behavior happens more than once, feels intentional, or is clearly disrespectful. If the person is someone you see regularly, like a coworker or family member, calmly addressing it can prevent the behavior from continuing. If they continue to be toxic, create distance. Protecting your mental health isn’t rude, it’s an important form of self-care.
Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness practices teach you to pause and respond with clarity instead of reacting with anger or panic. They can protect your emotional balance, help you avoid getting pulled into someone else’s negativity, losing control of your emotions, or replaying the situation in your mind afterward.
Choose between a response. Not every rude comment deserves your energy. Silence, a calm stare, or walking away are powerful responses when someone is trying to insult, embarrass, or provoke you rather than having a real conversation.
Talk to someone you trust. Dealing with mean people can be emotionally exhausting. Instead of keeping your feelings bottled up, try sharing your feelings in a safe space, like with a trusted friend, therapist, or support group. Talking about what you’re going through can help you feel calmer and supported — and be an important reminder of the kind, loving, and supportive people in your life.
A common mistake when setting boundaries with mean people is overexplaining or trying to earn their understanding. The most effective boundaries are calm, simple, and consistent, focused on self-respect rather than changing the other person.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Clinical reviewer
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While you may not be able to avoid mean people completely, you do have the power to control how much their behavior affects you. If you’re unsure how to start, therapy can help. A therapist can guide you in your feelings, building confidence, and learning how to effectively respond to mean or difficult people.
At Rula, we’re here to help you feel better. Rula makes it easy to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who takes your insurance. That way, you don’t have to choose between great care and a price you can afford.
Rula patients pay about $15 per session with insurance, and 93% say they feel better after getting care through Rula. We have 21,000+ providers, and appointments are available as soon as tomorrow. We’re here to help you take the next step — wherever you are in your mental health journey.
References
- A review of the short-term implications of discrete, episodic incivility https://compass.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/spc3.12918
- Almost half of Americans say people have gotten ruder since the COVID-19 pandemic https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2025/03/12/almost-half-of-americans-say-people-have-gotten-ruder-since-the-covid-19-pandemic/
- Why do people say hurtful things? https://screening.mhanational.org/content/why-do-people-say-hurtful-things/
- Antisocial Personality Disorder: Often Overlooked and Untreated https://www.psychiatry.org/news-room/apa-blogs/antisocial-personality-disorder-often-overlooked
Linda Childers
Linda is an award-winning medical writer with experience writing for major media outlets, health companies, hospitals, and both consumer and trade print and digital outlets.
Her articles have appeared in the Washington Post, USA Today, WebMD, AARP, Brain+Life, HealthyWomen.org, The Rheumatologist, California Health Report, Everyday Health, HealthCentral, and many other media outlets.
While juggling the responsibilities of being part of the “sandwich generation” and caring for both her toddler son and terminally ill mother, a nurse friend encouraged her to seek therapy, which helped her to learn coping strategies and manage her depression. Linda hopes her work will help to destigmatize mental health conditions and encourage others to get the help they need.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Ashley is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in generational healing and family dynamics. Ashley has worked in schools, clinics, and in private practice. She believes that people’s relationships, including our relationship with ourselves, greatly shape our experiences in life.
Ashley is committed to empowering others to show up authentically and deepen their self understanding. This passion stems from taking a critical lens on her own life story and doing inner healing. One of her favorite quotes is “Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.”
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