How to deal with a homophobic family

People’s families often play an important role in who they are and how they experience life. In an ideal world, your family accepts you for who you are, respects your boundaries, and appreciates your individuality. Unfortunately, this isn't always the case — especially for queer people who experience rejection or a lack of support from their homophobic parents. 

Having homophobic family members can take a serious toll on your emotional well-being. You might have trouble trusting them or feel the need to hide important parts of yourself. This family dynamic can also increase your risk of mental health challenges ^[1], including depression, anxiety, and an increased risk of suicide.*

*A note on safety: Members of the LGBTQ+ community are at an increased risk of suicidality. If you’re having thoughts of harming yourself, don’t hesitate to ask for help. You can contact the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988 from any phone. The counselors there will provide confidential support and resources to help keep you safe. You can also contact the Trevor Project anytime, 24/7 for LGBTQ-affirming crisis and peer support.

Subtle signs of homophobia in your family

While some forms of homophobia are obvious, it can also involve more subtle comments and behaviors. Here are some examples: 

• They assume you’re straight until you tell them you’re not.

• They respond to your coming out with comments like, “You don’t seem gay,” or, “You don’t look like a lesbian.”

• They refer to your sexuality as “a phase” or something you’re doing to get attention.

• They claim to be LGBTQ+ allies until they learn that a member of their family identifies as queer.

• They make disparaging comments like, “That’s so gay,” and, “No homo,” without considering how their words might affect you. 

• They think that they did something to make you become queer.

• They encourage you to keep your sexuality a secret from the rest of the family and their friends.

Unlike overt discrimination, these types of microaggressions can be both unconscious and unintentional. Your loved one might not understand that they’re being hurtful or that their behavior negatively affects you. Even so, your feelings are valid, and you have every right to speak up if their comments or behaviors make you uncomfortable. 

The roots of homophobia in family dynamics

Homophobia is often based on misunderstandings and irrational fears ^[2]. It’s linked to a range of influences, including: 

• Religious beliefs: Nearly 60% of adults who identify with a religion say that homosexuality should be accepted ^[3], but this wasn't always the case. People with more strict or traditional beliefs may argue that queerness doesn't align with their values.

• Lack of education: It’s easy to make harmful assumptions about things that are new or unfamiliar to you. If you’ve never taken the time to educate yourself on what it means to be LGBTQ+, you may be more likely to have a negative, distrustful, or disrespectful attitude. 

• Politics: People with more conservative political beliefs ^[4] may be less accepting of the queer community.

• Generational beliefs: It’s common for families to pass down traditions, values, and beliefs. If your family has a history of homophobic beliefs, there’s a chance it could continue through generations. 

The emotional impact of an unsupportive family

Research shows that 40% of LGBTQ+ adults have been rejected by family ^[5] or friends because of their sexual orientation or gender identity. Whether it’s outright rejection or more subtle disapproval, these experiences can take a toll on your mental health and well-being.

If you're queer and part of a homophobic family, it can feel difficult to embrace your authentic self. You might be ashamed of your differences or think there’s something wrong with you. Even when you’re confident in who you are, it can be frustrating and disappointing to not have the support of loved ones.

Research also shows that queer teens who were rejected by their parents ^[6] may be more likely to engage in risky sexual behaviors, unhealthy substance use, and suicide attempts as adults. 

Managing prejudice in family relationships

If you have family members with prejudiced beliefs, you may be wondering if it's possible to have a healthy and respectful relationship. The answer may vary based on the person and their willingness to learn and grow. Here are some tips to help you navigate these relationships moving forward. 

1. Share your experience 

Homophobia is often the result of ignorance and misinformation. If you think your family is open to learning more, help them understand what it means to identify as LGBTQ+. You could share your personal experiences or objective resources like the Trevor Project ^[7].

Sharing your experience also means addressing microaggressions as you see them ^[8]. When someone makes a homophobic comment, you might reply with, “I think I heard you saying [paraphrase their comments]. Is that how you really feel?”

You can also make a point to tell them how those comments make you feel, like,

“You might not realize this, but when you [comment/behavior], it’s hurtful because [explain why].” 

2. Set clear boundaries

Setting clear boundaries is an opportunity to protect your peace. For example, you might do a social media detox and unfollow family members who share offensive content. When someone asks an insensitive question, you could reply, “If the conversation becomes insulting, I’m going to walk away.”

3. Find your chosen family

If your family doesn't support you, lean on those who will. Your chosen family ^[9] consists of the people who make you feel loved, safe, and supported. For example, your chosen family might include friends, neighbors, or other members of the LGBTQ+ community. Having this type of support can help improve your self-esteem and resilience.

4. Practice self-care

Managing difficult relationships can be stressful, so remember to make time for your own mental, emotional, and physical needs. Practicing regular self-care is an opportunity to feel more confident and content in your daily life. 

Here are some ideas: 

• Find hobbies that bring you joy, like baking or doing puzzles.

• Practice mindfulness to help you slow down and remain present. 

• Keep a daily gratitude journal to reflect on the good in your life. 

• Recite a positive affirmation, like, “I’m worthy of love and respect” or, “I can choose who earns my trust.”

5. Seek professional support 

LGBTQ+-affirming therapy offers a safe space to process your experience, navigate challenges, and embrace a life that feels authentic to you. Depending on your goals, you might also consider inviting your family to join you for therapy sessions. With the help of a compassionate therapist, your family can learn how to improve communication, support one another, and grow closer. 

If you’re new to therapy, here are a few questions to help you find a provider who will honor and affirm your sexuality. 

• What’s your background and training in providing LGBTQ+-affirming care?

• What percent of your caseload identifies as LGBTQ+?

• Why do you enjoy working with the queer community?

Clinician’s take

One mindset shift that can be powerful is recognizing that repeated microaggressions often say more about the other person's beliefs than your worth. I encourage clients to ask themselves, ‘Whose voice am I hearing right now?’ Over time, many people learn to separate harmful messages from the truth about who they are.

Brandy Chalmers, LPC

Clinical reviewer