Miscarriage grief isn’t “just sadness”

Each year, more than 1 million U.S. pregnancies end in miscarriage ^[1]. Despite that, having a miscarriage can be an extremely isolating experience. You may not feel comfortable openly expressing your miscarriage grief or know how to heal and move forward. Losing a pregnancy can change how you view yourself, your partner, and your future. 

While nothing can replace your loss, you can learn to process your feelings and cope in a healthy way. If you’re having a hard time moving on after a miscarriage, know there are resources available to help you navigate that journey. 

What grief can feel like after a miscarriage

The days, weeks, and months after a miscarriage can feel like an emotional blur. You might feel angry, confused, and generally devastated over the loss of what could’ve been. 

It’s common for grief to last anywhere from six months and two years. Although everyone grieves pregnancy loss at their own pace, many people find that symptoms begin to improve around six months ^[2]. It might become easier to talk about your experience or focus on other parts of your life. Even as you mourn your loss, you’re able to find moments of joy that didn't seem possible earlier. 

That said, prolonged grief may be a sign that you should consider speaking with a mental health professional. If your pain persists, it may be a sign of complicated grief. 

While this grief is a natural emotional reaction to a miscarriage, some people may find that their loss isn’t recognized or validated by others. This is known as disenfranchised grief, meaning grief that’s not openly acknowledged by society. As a result, you may feel ashamed to talk about your feelings or find it difficult to get the help you need to cope.

Five stages of miscarriage grief 

While everyone processes pain in their own way, experts largely agree that there are five major stages of grief ^[3]. 

These include: 

1. Denial: A miscarriage can be difficult to process at first. You might feel emotionally numb or in denial that it happened to you. 

2. Anger: It’s normal to feel angry after a miscarriage. For example, you might be angry at yourself, your care team, and the situation. 

3. Bargaining: You may find yourself having thoughts like, "If I did X differently, Y wouldn't have happened,” or, "I promise to be better if I’m able to get pregnant again.”

4. Depression: As your new reality sets in, you may experience depressive symptoms like sadness, hopelessness, and fatigue.

5. Acceptance: Eventually, you can learn to accept your loss. While you'll always miss what could’ve been, you've found a way to heal and move forward. 

How miscarriage grief can affect you emotionally

It can be tough to find the words to describe pregnancy loss. After your miscarriage, it’s normal to cycle through a range of emotions like sadness, shock, and frustration. You might be angry with yourself or wonder if you did something wrong. You may feel jealous of a friend’s healthy pregnancy, then feel guilty for thinking that way.

Miscarriage grief can also lead to other mental health challenges, like anxiety or depression. In some cases, it can even be difficult to distinguish between typical grief and perinatal depression. When depressive symptoms last for longer than a few months, it’s best to seek professional support. 

Research shows that it’s common for women who have a miscarriage to develop symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder ^[4] (PTSD). You might have trouble sleeping and flashbacks about the event. PTSD can also make it difficult to consider future pregnancies. 

Miscarriages can affect your relationship with the noncarrying partner too — especially when you have different grieving styles. The experience might impact communication, intimacy, and even the future of your relationship. While this can be a normal response, consider couples therapy if you feel it’s affecting your relationship.

Why grief feels so heavy after pregnancy loss

If you’re feeling lost or low following miscarriage, remember that this is normal. You're grieving the loss of the baby you wanted and the life you envisioned for your family. 

Your ability to cope may depend on several factors, including your attachment style and support system. The way you experienced your pregnancy may also play a role. Many people begin to form an emotional bond with their baby early in pregnancy, and it can feel unfair that it ends so soon. Research shows that women who already viewed the baby as their child ^[5] were more likely to experience intense grief. 

Grief may feel particularly challenging if you’ve lost a previous pregnancy. People who experience recurrent miscarriages may be more likely to experience emotions like anger and guilt ^[6]. 

What can help with miscarriage grief?

If you're finding it difficult to process and move forward, know that help is available. Talk therapy can help anyone who’s looking for a safe space to share their feelings and find healthier ways to cope. 

Whether it’s individual therapy or couples therapy with your partner, therapy can make a meaningful difference in both of your healing journeys. Therapy is particularly important if your grief lasts for longer than one year and impacts your daily functioning. 

Outside of therapy, these steps might help you process your grief: 

• Honor your baby. Making the decision to honor your baby’s memory can be an important part of the healing process. For example, you might write them a letter, hold a memorial service, or create a special piece of jewelry. 

• Find a support group. Look for an opportunity to connect with others who’ve been through this deeply personal and painful experience. Sharing your story may help you process your emotions and encourage others to do the same. 

• Practice mindfulness. It’s normal for grief to come and go in waves. The key is knowing how to acknowledge these feelings without letting them control you. Here are some simple mindfulness exercises to get you started.

Clinician’s take

Many clients struggle to name the loss of the future they had already imagined, including hopes, roles, and milestones that suddenly disappeared. Putting words to this invisible layer of grief often helps them feel less alone and more validated.

Ashley Ayala, LMFT

Clinical reviewer