When depression gets in the way of parenting

Most parents have days when they feel stressed, overwhelmed, or worried about whether they’re doing a good enough job. But for moms and dads with depression, these feelings can be more intense. Left untreated, depression can make it harder for parents to care for their children and themselves. 

Depression is one of the most common mental health concerns, affecting more than 21 million American adults ^[1] each year, including many parents. 

Parenting isn’t considered a stand-alone cause of depression. However, it’s estimated that about 15 million children ^[2] in the U.S. live with parents who have major depressive disorder (MDD) or severe depression. A recent report ^[3] may help explain why: increasing stress among modern parents and caregivers, reaching the severity of a public health crisis. Chronic stress is a known risk factor for mental health concerns like depression. 

If you’re a parent living with depression, know that you’re not alone and you deserve support. Learning more about parenting with depression and asking for help can strengthen your mental health so you can be the best possible parent. 

What parenting with depression can feel like

You might be familiar with some of the more common depression symptoms. These include sadness, loss of motivation, fatigue, and social withdrawal. They might show up differently from one person to the next. 

Depression symptoms in parents might look like: 

• Never feeling caught up with the endless parenting tasks 

• Not wanting to socialize with friends, even when you have time and child care

• Feeling exhausted, no matter how much sleep you get

• Constantly comparing yourself to other parents, and worrying you’re not doing a good enough job 

• Becoming easily irritated with your kids or losing your temper

• Crying often or generally feeling sad, even if you don’t know why

• Navigating a sense of hopelessness or guilt for bringing kids into the world

• No longer participating in hobbies or activities that used to bring you joy

Common challenges with parental depression

When a parent is depressed, it goes beyond just feeling down from time to time. Untreated depression can have serious impacts on the parent and their family. 

Experiencing depression can lead to:

• Increased conflict or resentment with your co-parent or even child/ren 

• Trouble keeping up with household chores, work, or caretaking duties 

• Worsening symptoms of co-occurring conditions (if present), like anxiety 

How parental depression can impact children

With the right support, you can still be a loving, attentive parent while living with depression. However, left untreated, a parent’s depression can negatively affect their kids. 

Research shows that children of depressed parents ^[4] are at greater risk of:

• Behavior problems

• Having difficulty coping with stress

• Trouble with social functioning

• Academic problems

• Mental health concerns

Strategies for parenting while depressed

Having depression isn’t a personal flaw or means something is “wrong” with you. It’s possible to still be a wonderful parent even if you have depression. Your mental health condition doesn’t define you. 

The following tips can help you show up for yourself and your family as you navigate parenthood while depressed: 

• Talk to your kids (in developmentally appropriate ways). Kids might not know exactly what depression is, but they can feel its effects. It may help to reassure them that what they’re noticing is real, but it’s not their fault. For example, depending on your child’s age, you might say something like, “I have been pretty sad and tired lately, and you may have noticed that. But I want you to know that it’s not your fault, and I’m working on feeling better.”

• Create a schedule. All busy families can benefit from a consistent schedule. But it can be especially helpful for parents with depression. Keeping mealtimes, bedtimes, playtimes, and other routines consistent can help you stay on track, even when your mood and energy are low.

• Show that it’s OK to ask for help. Showing your kids that asking for help is a sign of strength can be a powerful lesson. You don’t have to get into the nitty gritty of your therapy sessions or symptoms. But talking openly about mental health can help reduce stigma and set a positive example.

Support and treatment for parents with depression

If you’re a parent with depression, one of the best things you can do for your kids and yourself is to seek professional help. While there’s no cure for depression, it can be managed with the right support. 

Here’s what treatment typically includes:

• Therapy: Talk therapies like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) have been scientifically proven to help treat depression. Therapy can provide a dedicated time to process your emotions, learn valuable coping skills, and focus on your own well-being.  

• Medication: Some medications are designed to help improve your mood and address depression symptoms. If interested, you can work with your provider to help decide if this could be the right option for you. 

• Self-care: As a parent, it’s not always easy to find time for self-care. But carving out even just a few minutes per day for yourself can make a big difference. Taking good care of your mind, body, and spirit can help stabilize your mood and give you more energy and patience for parenting.

Clinician’s take

You can be a more emotionally available caregiver in small, consistent ways like making eye contact, repairing after snapping, and initiating brief moments of connection. The shift is less about perfection and more about responsiveness.

Ashley Ayala, LMFT

Clinical reviewer