Most parents feel overwhelmed or frustrated by their child's behavior at times. When these feelings become constant, it may be a sign of an underlying concern.
Burnout, parent guilt, and loss of self are common challenges that can contribute to depression in parents.
If your relationship with your child is taking a toll on your mental health, consider trying individual or family therapy.
Being a parent is incredibly rewarding, but it also comes with its challenges. During the early days, you worry about developmental milestones and making sure everyone is getting enough sleep. By the time your child is a teenager, you’re watching them navigate puberty, push limits, and find their independence.
It’s normal for these transitions to feel difficult or overwhelming at times. But if you find yourself thinking, “My teenager is making me depressed,” it’s worth exploring what’s driving these feelings and how to cope.
How parenting challenges can fuel depression
Most parents agree that parenting is harder than they had anticipated [1]. You worry about your children's mental health, whether they’ll make friends, and how to help them avoid risky behaviors. You want them to have a happy and healthy future, and you realize that this dream begins now.
While all this is normal, you may find that specific aspects of your relationship with your child are particularly challenging. Maybe you’ve found yourself arguing with them more as they enter adolescence. Maybe you don’t feel as close to your child as you once were. Or perhaps they’re navigating behavioral concerns like oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) and pathological demand avoidance (PDA). These can all feel overwhelming and stressful for parents of teens.
Here are some of the unique ways that parenting challenges can contribute to depression:
1. Feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy
Being a parent is one of the most important jobs of your life, and that can come with a lot of pressure. You want to “get things right” and may feel disappointed when you don’t.
If your child struggles academically or socially, it’s easy to interpret that as you being a bad parent. You might feel guilty for being too hard on your child or upset with yourself for not setting better boundaries.
Eventually, this mindset can impact your confidence, self-esteem, and how you connect with your child.
2. The invisible load
Being a parent is a 24/7 job. There’s the work that your family sees, and then there’s the invisible tasks needed to manage daily life.
For someone with a teenager, this could mental load could include:
Coordinating sports and extracurriculars
Scheduling doctor and dentist appointments
Monitoring grades and college admissions efforts
Navigating difficult conversations about sex, drinking, and other risky behaviors
In many families, this invisible load falls on the women [2] — and can lead to issues like increased stress, depression, and sleep problems [3].
3. Chronic stress and burnout
Parents are more likely than other adults to experience high levels of stress [4] on a regular basis. For some people, this can lead to mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion known as parental burnout.
Burnout is associated with emotional numbness, unhealthy coping methods, and emotional distance between you and your child. It can also increase your risk of depression — especially among single parents.
4. Loss of self
It’s common for people with depression to feel like they’ve lost their sense of self [5]. This feeling can also affect parents who struggle to identify with who they are outside of being a mom or dad.
When your child was younger, you may have been happy to swap your usual activities for playdates and early bedtimes. Now, you might find it hard to remember who you were before becoming a parent.
The hidden toll of parental depression
If you believe you’re experiencing symptoms of depression, it’s important to seek support. Depression doesn’t typically resolve on its own, and it may worsen without treatment. Unmanaged depression can have a significant impact on your mental well-being and daily functioning. It may even increase risk of suicidal thoughts and behaviors.*
Living with unmanaged depression may also be challenging for your family. Symptoms can create emotional distance between you and your child or negatively impact the way you support their needs. Research shows that parental depression can increase their teen’s risk of developing depressive symptoms themselves [6].
*The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline provides 24/7, confidential support with trained crisis counselors. If you or a loved one is in emotional distress or a suicidal crisis, please call or text 988. If you’re experiencing a life-threatening emergency or need immediate help, please call 911.
Ways to cope if your child is making you depressed
By the time your child is a teenager, you’ve probably learned that things don’t always go as planned. What you can control, however, is your decision to create a meaningful change in your life.
If you’re feeling sad or overwhelmed as a parent, consider the following strategies to help manage symptoms of depression:
Acknowledge your feelings. Taking the time to acknowledge your thoughts and feelings is an important part of healing. Parenting isn’t always easy, so allow yourself to admit when you’re overwhelmed or depressed. This is the first step in identifying what’s causing these feelings and finding the right solution for you and your family.
Make time for yourself. No matter what’s going on or how busy you feel, self-care matters. Regular self-care may help reduce depression, increase happiness, and lead to stronger relationships. Some examples include keeping a journal, reading for pleasure, and spending time in nature. If this feels unrealistic right now, start small: Spend 5 minutes enjoying your morning beverage without multitasking.
Recognize positive moments. If parenting has seemed like a burden lately, try to look for the good in your relationship with your child. For example, you shared a smile about a song on the radio during the drive to school. It can also feel rewarding to see your child make good choices. Maybe you notice that they held the door open for someone or they shared their snack with their sibling.
Focus on communication and boundaries. When your child’s behavior has a negative affect on your well-being, it may be time to revisit your personal boundaries. Clear boundaries are a chance to communicate your needs, expectations, and what you will or won’t tolerate. For example: “We don’t yell at each other in this family. If you’re upset, we can talk about it when you’re calm.”
If you continue to experience feelings like hopelessness and irritability, it may be worth looking for a therapist who specializes in parental mental health. Therapy offers a safe space to talk about your challenges and develop the tools to cope with difficult emotions.
Seeking support also shows your children that it’s OK to be vulnerable and ask for help when they need it. You may even want to invite them to join you in therapy. With family therapy, a therapist can help you and your child address:
Communication challenges
Trust issues
Conflict resolution
Behavioral concerns
Mental health concerns or substance use disorder
The care you need, when you need it
Learn how Rula can support your mental health journey
One sign a parent is moving out of burnout or depression is when they begin to notice small moments of connection again. They may feel more present during everyday interactions, like listening, laughing, or responding with patience.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
Find care with Rula
Being a parent can be hard at times, but it’s important to remember that you’re not alone. If you’ve noticed changes to your mood or behavior, it’s worth speaking with a mental health professional. Therapy can help you process your emotions, increase resilience, and be the best version of you for yourself and your family.
At Rula, we’re here to help you feel better. Rula makes it easy to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who takes your insurance. That way, you don’t have to choose between great care and a price you can afford.
Rula patients pay about $15 per session with insurance, and 93% say they feel better after getting care through Rula. We have 21,000+ providers, and appointments are available as soon as tomorrow. We’re here to help you take the next step — wherever you are in your mental health journey.
References
- Parenting in America Today https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/01/24/parenting-in-america-today/
- Take a Load Off? Not for Mothers: Gender, Cognitive Labor, and the Limits of Time and Money https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/23780231251384527?int.sj-abstract.similar-articles.8
- Cognitive household labor: gender disparities and consequences for maternal mental health and wellbeing https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11761833/#Sec12
- Parental Mental Health & Well-Being https://www.hhs.gov/surgeongeneral/reports-and-publications/parents/index.html
- Losing oneself: Lack of self in depression and its recurrence https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0165032725023948
- The influence of parenting styles and parental depression on adolescent depressive symptoms: A cross-sectional and longitudinal approach https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2212657020302233
Alex Bachert
Alex Bachert is a freelance copywriter and mental health advocate. Since earning her masters degree in public health, she has focused her career on creating informative content that empowers people to prioritize their health and well-being. Alex has partnered with organizations like Ro, WellTheory, and Firsthand, and her work has been recognized by the Digital Health Association.
When she’s not writing about mental health, Alex is usually playing pickleball, meeting with her local board of health, or enjoying time with her three kids.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
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