Close interpersonal relationships are important, but an unhealthy emotional connection may be a sign of toxic attachment.
Unlike healthy relationships, toxic attachments often lack trust, respect, or healthy boundaries.
Therapy can help you decide whether it’s possible to heal the relationship or if it’s best to focus on your personal growth.
An attachment is an emotional bond between you and another person, like a romantic partner or family member. Having a strong connection with someone can help improve your confidence, resilience, and overall happiness. But when a close bond is bringing you down, it may be a sign of a toxic attachment.
Toxic attachment refers to a relationship that may feel too intense, one-sided, or emotionally draining. While healthy relationships are based on trust and support, toxic attachments may be driven by factors like control. They’re not necessarily abusive, but they can significantly impact your self-esteem and well-being [1].
Learning to spot the subtle signs of an unhealthy emotional attachment is an important step in understanding toxic behaviors and learning to create healthier relationships moving forward.
Signs of unhealthy emotional attachment
Toxic attachment is considered a relationship red flag, but it’s not always easy to spot. Subtle signs that you may have an unhealthy emotional attachment include:
Lack of boundaries: If you’re in a toxic relationship, it can feel difficult to set and enforce clear boundaries. For example, you might have trouble saying no to a parent or prioritize their needs over your own.
Constant need for reassurance: You often worry about the state of your relationship, asking your partner questions like, “Are you mad at me?” or, “Do you still love me?”
Codependency: In a codependent relationship, the dynamic becomes unbalanced. You might feel responsible for the other person’s happiness or like you need to please or appease them at all times.
Limited sense of self: Another sign is losing your sense of self, like abandoning your goals and interests. Over time, you might not even recognize who you are outside of that relationship.
A feeling of instability: Healthy relationships involve accountability and emotional stability. If your relationship is toxic, you may notice that your partner is dismissive of your feelings or refuses to take responsibility for their actions. They might also use guilt or obligation to keep you close.
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Why toxic attachment is so harmful
The people around you can make a significant impact on your life. Spending time with people who are respectful and supportive of your needs can boost your confidence and reduce the risk of loneliness and other mental health challenges.
Unfortunately, toxic relationships can have the opposite effect. Unhealthy emotional attachments can contribute to mental health problems like anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. You might begin to suppress your authentic desires and needs or doubt your abilities and self-worth.
The origins of unhealthy attachments
It can be difficult to cope with the idea that you’re in a toxic relationship, but it’s important to remember that someone else’s behavior isn’t your fault. Some possible reasons why you may be experiencing an unhealthy emotional attachment include:
Trauma bonding
A trauma bond is when you develop an unhealthy emotional connection with someone who causes harm. This harm may be emotional, psychological, or physical. Even when the relationship feels unsafe or painful, the bond can make it very hard to leave.
Many people use the term “trauma bonding” to describe feeling close to someone after sharing painful or personal experiences. While that kind of vulnerability can create connection, it isn’t the same thing as a trauma bond.
In a trauma bond, periods of mistreatment are followed by brief moments of care, affection, or apology. These highs can make the lows feel easier to tolerate and make it more difficult to leave — even when you know the relationship isn’t healthy.
Attachment style
According to attachment theory, our earliest interactions with caregivers shape our ability to create secure relationships with other people later in life. Put simply, if you had a parent who was emotionally unavailable or provided inconsistent affection, you might have an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style as an adult.
These insecure attachment styles can make it more difficult to connect emotionally and be intimate in your relationships, which can lead to toxic attachment.
Underlying health concerns
Certain mental health conditions may be associated with toxic attachment. For example, the term “codependency” was created to describe people who were in relationships involving harmful substance use [2].
Other conditions commonly associated with unhealthy attachment include borderline personality disorder (BPD) and other personality disorders, complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), bipolar disorder, and anxiety disorders.
Breaking patterns of toxic attachment
Recognizing the signs of an unhealthy relationship is one of the first steps in ending a toxic attachment. If you’re still uncertain if you’re in one, consider asking yourself questions like:
“Can I trust this person?”
“Do I feel safe being my authentic self with them?”
“Do they show me kindness and respect?”
From there, you can decide whether it’s possible to heal the relationship or if you should focus on your personal growth instead. Consider the following steps as a guideline for breaking toxic attachment patterns.
1. Voice your concerns
If you have concerns about the health of a relationship, it’s important to be honest with your partner. Relationships aren’t always perfect, but you should feel comfortable enough to speak your mind.
2. Reconsider the relationship
It may be time to end an unhealthy relationship if:
The other person isn’t willing to listen to your concerns or compromise for positive change.
You're only staying with that person out of guilt or obligation (or because you don’t want to be alone).
The relationship is abusive, including mental, verbal, or financial abuse.
3. Focus on personal growth
Losing yourself in a relationship is a hallmark symptom of toxic attachment. If you’ve realized that you’re spending more time on someone else’s needs than your own, it may be time to focus on self-discovery.
4. Seek professional support
Throughout this process, you may find that you could use a little extra support. That’s where therapy can help.
Therapy provides a safe, judgment-free space to discuss your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Your therapist can help you acknowledge unhealthy behavior patterns, improve your communication skills, and build healthier relationships.
In toxic attachments, care and affection come and go. That unpredictability keeps people emotionally hooked. The nervous system starts chasing the ‘good’ moments, even when the relationship is mostly painful.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
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Close relationships can make life feel more meaningful, but it’s important that those connections help you feel your best. If a relationship is having a negative affect on your well-being, it may be a sign of an unhealthy emotional attachment. Fortunately, working with a therapist can offer the insight and skills to help you move forward.
At Rula, we’re here to help you feel better. Rula makes it easy to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who takes your insurance. That way, you don’t have to choose between great care and a price you can afford.
Rula patients pay about $15 per session with insurance, and 93% say they feel better after getting care through Rula. We have 21,000+ providers, and appointments are available as soon as tomorrow. We’re here to help you take the next step — wherever you are in your mental health journey.
References
- Toxic relationship https://www.ebsco.com/research-starters/psychology/toxic-relationship
- The Lived Experience of Codependency: an Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11469-018-9983-8
Alex Bachert
Alex Bachert is a freelance copywriter and mental health advocate. Since earning her masters degree in public health, she has focused her career on creating informative content that empowers people to prioritize their health and well-being. Alex has partnered with organizations like Ro, WellTheory, and Firsthand, and her work has been recognized by the Digital Health Association.
When she’s not writing about mental health, Alex is usually playing pickleball, meeting with her local board of health, or enjoying time with her three kids.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
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