Unlearning common unhealthy coping mechanisms

Coping mechanisms are ways of dealing with stress or emotional discomfort. While there’s no right or wrong way to process uncomfortable emotions, there’s a difference between healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Unhealthy coping mechanisms can take many forms. Whether someone engages in chronic gambling, self-harming behaviors, excessive gaming, or social avoidance, the reason for unhealthy coping mechanisms is a basic, human desire to relieve discomfort.

While unhealthy coping mechanisms might provide some short-term relief, they can actually make your problems worse in the long run. Fortunately, you can learn to manage stress more effectively and adopt healthy coping skills that support your well-being.

Are coping mechanisms good or bad?

Coping mechanisms aren’t automatically good or bad. They are ways people deal with stress and emotions. Some coping skills are healthy. They help you feel better over time. Examples include reaching out for support or using relaxation tools. Other coping skills may help in the moment but can cause problems later. Examples include avoiding everything, using substances, or shutting down emotionally. The goal is not to judge yourself. The goal is to build safer coping tools that support your well-being.

What are unhealthy coping mechanisms?

No matter who you are or where you live, stress is an inevitable part of life. And how you respond to stress can significantly impact your physical and emotional health.

There’s no right or wrong way to manage stress, and everyone has to find the coping tools that work best for them. But there is a difference between healthy and unhealthy coping behaviors.

Left unchecked, unhealthy coping mechanisms can negatively impact your life. They tend to provide some immediate comfort, often in the form of numbing or distraction. But they can have a negative effect over time.

Examples of unhealthy coping mechanisms include:

• Unhealthy substance use

• Binge eating

• Excessive gaming

• Avoiding certain people, places, or experiences

• Denial

• Self-harm

• Overworking

• Repressing emotions

• Oversleeping

• Excessive exercise

• Excessive phone use

• Skipping work or school

• Binge-watching TV or movies

Engaging in one or more of these behaviors occasionally doesn’t necessarily mean there’s cause for concern. For example, you may take an extra workout class or watch an entire season of your favorite show from time to time. And that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re misusing these behaviors to cope with stress. What matters most is whether these behaviors are negatively affecting your well-being or your ability to live your life.

Six ways to replace unhealthy coping mechanisms with healthy ones

If unhealthy coping mechanisms have taken a negative toll on your life, you can learn to change your behavior.

Research shows that being able to adapt your coping styles in response to different situations is key to successfully navigating life’s ups and downs. In other words, what helps you cope in one situation might not work in others, and that’s OK. What’s most important is that you develop a varied “menu” of healthy coping skills that you can use when the need arises.

You can use the following tips to help you get started.

1. Increase your awareness

The first step in changing your coping mechanisms is noticing which of your behaviors aren’t working for you. How are your existing coping strategies affecting your life? Which ones tend to make things better? Which ones eventually make things worse?

2. Identify your triggers

Now that you know which behaviors you want to change, think about what triggers them.

What situations cause the most stress? What happens right before you engage in unwanted behaviors? What changes can you make to limit your exposure to triggers?

3. Practice self-compassion

Remember, everyone deserves strategies to help them deal with uncomfortable emotions. The problem isn’t the stress you feel or your desire to regulate anxious feelings. The goal isn’t to get rid of those emotions. Rather, the goal is to find new, healthier ways of coping with them.

4. Build your support network

Research shows that a social support network can help reduce stress and increase resilience. So while it might be hard to open up at first, think about sharing your experience with a trusted friend or loved one. They may have navigated similar challenges and may have new ideas to help you cope.

5. Adopt positive coping strategies

There are many different healthy coping behaviors out there. Some are simple and straightforward, like getting enough sleep and eating balanced meals. Others are a bit more nuanced, like mindfulness or learning to reframe negative thoughts. What’s most important is finding the techniques that work for you and continuing to expand upon them as your needs change.

6. Seek professional help

Sometimes, working with a mental health professional can help you replace unwanted coping behaviors with healthier ones. They can provide a safe, judgment-free space to uncover what’s causing unhealthy behaviors and support you in exploring healthy alternatives.

Why do people form unhealthy coping skills?

All coping mechanisms, even the unhealthy ones, stem from a desire to relieve an internal or external stressor. They can serve to numb, distract, excite, or avoid unwanted emotions or experiences.

Engaging in unhealthy coping behaviors doesn’t make you weak or a failure. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Rather, when viewed in the context of a person’s full set of life experiences, many of these behaviors make a lot of sense.

For example, let’s say you grew up in a high-conflict home. You learned to tune out your parents’ arguing and avoid the situation to protect yourself. This detachment was helpful because it allowed you to keep yourself safe. It also helped you shield yourself from uncomfortable emotions, like fear, anger, or anxiety.

Now imagine that you continue to practice this coping behavior into adulthood. You detach from conversations at the first sign of disagreement to avoid the discomfort of potential conflict. While this behavior may have served you as a child, it may negatively impact your important relationships as an adult.

We don’t fully understand all the underlying causes of unhealthy coping mechanisms. Some may stem from past experiences. But there are other psychological, social, and environmental factors that may increase the chances that a person will develop unhealthy coping behaviors.

These factors tend to have roots in childhood and may include:

• Experiencing childhood abuse or neglect

• Having repeated invalidating experiences with caregivers

• Being exposed repeatedly to overwhelming stress

• Not seeing frequent examples of healthy coping strategies

• Living with mental health conditions like post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), social anxiety disorder, or autism spectrum disorder (ASD)

Clinician’s take

Unlearning unhealthy coping skills can feel uncomfortable at first. But with support and practice, you can replace them with healthier tools that actually meet your needs. Change is possible, and you don’t have to do it perfectly for it to work.

Brandy Chalmers, LPC

Clinical reviewer