Understanding why depression isn’t a choice

When people say things like “just cheer up” or to “try harder,” it can seem like they may think depression is a choice. But depression isn’t something you can switch on and off. It’s a real mental health condition that affects how your brain and body work. It can make simple things like eating, sleeping, or even getting out of bed feel impossible.

While comments like “just be happy” aren’t usually meant to be hurtful, they often come from people who don’t fully understand depression ^[3]. If someone hasn’t gone through depression, they may not realize how deep and exhausting it can feel. 

That’s why education and open conversations are so important. They help people see that depression is real, common, and something people can get help for.

Common misconceptions about depression, and why it’s not a choice

Below, we’ll review some common misconceptions about depression and shed some light on why it isn’t a choice.

“It’s not a real illness”

In some families and cultures, mental health isn’t openly discussed and is seen as something to hide ^[4]. You might have been told to “toughen up” or to “think positive,” which can make it seem that depression isn’t real. 

The truth is that depression is just as real as something like diabetes or heart disease. It causes chemical and physical changes in the brain ^[5] that can affect your energy, appetite, and ability to think clearly. If someone tells you depression isn’t real, you can gently reply, “I’m dealing with depression, and it’s not something anyone would choose. It’s a real medical condition that affects both the brain and body.”

“You can just snap out of it”

Depression isn’t something you can switch on and off. When people are told to “snap out of it,” they often hide how they feel to avoid being judged. People might say things like “get over it” because they don’t understand depression or may feel uncomfortable talking about mental health. 

If a friend or family member says that to you, try responding with, “I know you mean well, but what I really need right now is understanding, not advice. Depression takes time and support to manage.” You also can’t ignore depression, as it doesn’t just go away on its own. Getting help from a doctor or therapist is an important step in feeling better.

“It’s just teen moodiness”

Some people think teen depression is just a mood, phase, or a sign of being dramatic ^[6], but it’s much more than that. Teens with depression aren’t choosing to feel sad or unmotivated. Their brains and bodies are struggling to regulate mood and energy.*

If you’re a parent who thinks your child may be depressed, try saying, “I’ve noticed you don’t seem like yourself lately. How are you feeling? I’m here to listen if you ever want to talk.” If your teen’s sadness or anger lasts longer than a few weeks or starts to affect their daily life, encourage them to talk to a therapist. If they’re not ready, you can still talk with a therapist yourself to learn ways to support them.

If you’re a teen and don’t have someone you feel comfortable talking to, you can reach out to a free and confidential helpline. Call the Teen Line at 800-852-8336 or text 839863 (6 a.m.–10 p.m. Pacific). You can also text HOME to 741741 to connect with the Crisis Text Line anytime. 

“You can’t be depressed, you’re a man”

Some people believe that men don’t experience depression, but that’s not true. Men can and do have depression, they just often show it differently. 

Instead of appearing sad, some men may act irritable, mad, or pull away from others ^[7]. If they grew up hearing that “real men don’t cry,” they may have learned to hide their feelings. These reactions often come from pain, not weakness. If someone tries to dismiss your depression as a choice or weakness, you might reply, “Real strength means facing your struggles, not hiding from them.”

“You just need a healthier lifestyle”

Some people think depression happens because of poor eating habits or lack of exercise. While healthy routines can help support recovery, they aren’t a cure. When people say to “just eat better” or “get more sleep,” it can make those with depression feel blamed for something that isn’t their fault. 

The truth is depression needs real treatment and understanding, not judgment. If someone blames your lifestyle for your depression, you might say, “If it were that simple, no one would struggle with depression. I’m working on healthy habits, but recovery takes time.” 

Remember, depression isn’t your fault, but you do play a role in your recovery. Taking small, healthy steps shows strength and commitment to healing.

“If your life is good, you shouldn’t be depressed”

Depression doesn’t always have an obvious cause. Even people with good jobs, happy relationships, and supportive families can experience it because of genetics or brain chemistry. Factors like stress and trauma, negative thinking patterns, low self-esteem, and lack of support can make people more vulnerable to depression. 

Sometimes, the people who seem happiest are struggling the most inside. This is sometimes called “smiling depression.” ^[8] They may laugh, smile, and act fine to avoid worrying others but inside feel sad or helpless. That’s why it’s important to check in on friends and loved ones — even those who always seem OK. A simple, “How are you, really? I’m here if you ever want to talk,” can mean a lot. 

If you think you might be depressed, reach out to a therapist and say, “I’ve been struggling lately, and I need someone to talk to.” Talking to a mental health professional can help you figure out what’s happening and how to feel better.

Clinician’s take

I wish more people understood that depression affects the brain and body, not just mindset. When mood, energy, and motivation are disrupted, effort alone isn’t enough. Support and care are what help people move forward, not forcing positivity.

Brandy Chalmers, LPC

Clinical reviewer