Key Takeaways
Societal attitudes about marriage have shifted. As of 2022, less than half of U.S. households were headed by married people [1].
From valuing your freedom to negative past experiences, you may choose to remain unmarried for different reasons. Marriage is a personal decision, and it isn’t right for everyone.
If you decide not to get married, you don’t have to justify your choice to anyone. You can create strong bonds and loving relationships without getting married.
In 1949, about 78% of U.S. households [2] were headed by married couples. But since then, that number has shrunk to just 47% in 2022 [2]. It’s clear that fewer Americans are getting married than in prior generations, for a number of reasons. From shifts in cultural attitudes to evolving economic pressures, marriage is no longer the institution it once was.
If you’ve decided to forgo the traditional path to marriage, you’re not alone. You don’t need to justify your choice to anyone. But if you’ve decided that marriage isn’t for you, it might be helpful to reflect on why you feel that way.
Here are five less-obvious reasons why people choose to remain unmarried.
1. You simply don’t want to
Some people might mistakenly think that if you don’t want to get married, it must be due to a traumatic experience or emotional wound. But if marriage doesn’t appeal to you, it doesn’t mean you have a mental health condition or unresolved trauma.
For a long time, marriage was seen as a goal that everyone should strive to achieve. Today, we know that isn’t the case. Unmarried people can lead rich, satisfying lives — partnered or otherwise. And couples might have other goals besides marriage. Despite what anyone else tells you, not getting married because it doesn’t appeal to you is a valid personal choice.
2. You value your autonomy
In the U.S. and many other countries, marriage is more than just a symbolic union or religious rite. It’s a legal and personal decision that joins two people's lives together in significant ways. Certainly, there can be benefits to commingling your life with someone else’s. But marriage can also create vulnerabilities that might not be right for everyone.
For example, maybe you don’t want to combine finances, living arrangements, or retirement plans with someone else. It’s OK if you want to preserve your autonomy by not getting married. You can still have meaningful, loving connections and strong social supports. Being independent isn’t the same as being alone.
3. You’ve already tried it
Maybe you have firsthand experience with what happens when a marriage fails. Even when it’s for amicable reasons, divorce can be incredibly stressful for everyone involved.
If you were married before, and it didn’t work out, or you witnessed your parents' divorce, you might have a less favorable view of marriage. Some people might try to pressure you to “get back out there” after a marriage ending and say that things will be different with someone else. But you get to decide what your future looks like. If it doesn’t include marriage, that’s OK.
It’s also important to remember that not wanting to get married yourself doesn’t mean that you can’t celebrate it for other people.
4. You’re nonmonogamous
Today, at least 5% of the American population [3] is in an ethically nonmonogamous relationship. This includes people who are and aren’t legally married. But research shows [3] there’s little difference between the quality of monogamous vs. nonmonogamous relationships.
The heteronormative framework of traditional marriage may not work for diverse relationship structures or nontraditional families. So if you identify as nonmonogamous, it makes sense that you might see marriage as unnecessary or unappealing. Plus, if you’re in a polyamorous relationship with several partners, you can’t legally marry more than one of them in the U.S. at this time.
5. You’re uncomfortable with the history
Modern marriages often start with a big (and costly) celebration that many people look forward to. It represents the start of a new chapter and the joining of two families. But for most of its history, marriage was less about love and romance and more about property and wealth transfer.
In the past, parents often arranged marriages to secure economic stability or diplomatic advantages. The bride, especially, was expected to concede to her father’s wishes and had little say in the matter.
Despite all the gains we’ve made in gender equality [4], we have a very long way to go. Marriage means something very different today than it did in the past. But the echoes of its patriarchal origins remain. After all, it wasn’t until the 1970s that a woman could secure her own credit card [5] without her father, brother, or husband’s help. If you’re not interested in marriage because its history doesn’t align with your values, you may choose other ways to find relationship satisfaction.
Clinician's take
A common misconception is that people who don’t marry are lonely or afraid of commitment. That kind of stigma can cause shame or self-doubt, even when someone feels content and fulfilled on their own.
Find care with Rula
If marriage isn’t for you, you’re not alone. In the U.S., fewer people are choosing traditional marriage. Maybe it’s because you value your autonomy or had a bad previous experience. Whatever the reason, you don’t need to justify your decision to anyone. You can create meaningful connections and loving relationships in many ways throughout your life that don’t involve marriage. If you feel like you need additional support processing this decision or finding healthy ways to set boundaries in relationships, therapy can help.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 21,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.
