In recent years, mental health experts around the world have reported on men’s lack of social contact. From shrinking friend circles after graduation to the stigma against vulnerability, young men are struggling to feel connected, leading to what experts call the male loneliness epidemic.
At Rula, our goal is to connect those in need to therapists who can help. That’s why we set out to learn more about this epidemic, both from the side of young men who are experiencing it and those who are close to these men, to learn what those on the outside looking in might be missing.
To do this, we surveyed men under 40 in major cities across the U.S., along with Americans who are close to a man under 40. We asked both groups similar questions and used their responses to calculate a loneliness score on a scale of 0 to 100, with 100 representing the loneliest people. Read on to learn more about our findings.
<iframe src="https://www.rula.com/embeds/asset-1-key-stats.html" title="Male loneliness: key findings" data-rula="key-stats" height="433" scrolling="no" style="width:100%;border:0;overflow:hidden;display:block;"></iframe>Men in Portland, OR, and Louisville, KY, are hit hardest by loneliness.
Nearly one in four young men frequently feel lonely.
Nearly two in five think no one really knows them.
48% who view pornography daily frequently feel lonely.
One in five can't remember the last time anyone hugged them or touched them warmly.
One in four can't remember the last time anyone reached out just to see how they were doing.
Being in a relationship doesn't fix it: Partnered men are more likely than single men to say they have no one to talk to when they're struggling.
Cities where male loneliness hits hardest
To learn where male loneliness is most common, we analyzed a variety of factors among men in each city to understand who hasn't been asked how they’re doing in months, who sees their closest friend a few times a year, who hasn't made a new one since school, and more.
<iframe src="https://www.rula.com/embeds/asset-2-map.html" title="Where male loneliness lands hardest" data-rula="map" height="831" scrolling="no" style="width:100%;border:0;overflow:hidden;display:block;"></iframe>Topping the ranking, with a male loneliness score of 98.29 out of 100 is Portland, OR, where nearly one in four men say they frequently feel lonely. Additionally, 59% say no one really knows them, nearly three in five go days without a meaningful conversation, and 47% have no one to talk to when they're struggling.
Up next for loneliness is Louisville, KY, (93.76) where the isolation is physical. We found that nearly three in five men in Louisville rarely or never spend even an hour in person with a close friend, the highest rate in the country. More than half share that they haven't made a true friend in at least two years, and 35% frequently feel lonely.
<iframe src="https://www.rula.com/embeds/asset-3-city-ranking.html" title="Male loneliness scores by city" data-rula="city-ranking" height="784" scrolling="no" style="width:100%;border:0;overflow:hidden;display:block;"></iframe>Coming in third place is Columbus, OH, with a loneliness score of 93.64 out of 100. Overall, only 22% of Columbus men say they frequently feel lonely, which is slightly below the national rate. But 72% go days without a meaningful conversation, 67% say no one really knows them, and 61% feel lonely even when they're around other people. Every one of those is at or near the worst in the country, suggesting that men in Columbus describe nearly every symptom of loneliness but stop short of labeling it loneliness.
The loneliness people closest don't see
The city rankings show where loneliness clusters, but the national picture was already stark. Nearly two in five men under 40 say no one really knows them, about the same share (37%) go days without a meaningful conversation, and more than one in three feel lonely even when they're around other people. So this isn't a problem solved by simply putting more people in the room.
The shape of their social lives helps explain it, however, as we found one in six men have very few close friends. Similarly, more than one in three rarely or never spend even an hour in person with a close friend outside of work or school. More than two in five have fewer close friends now than they did five years ago, and nearly two in five haven't made a true friend in at least two years.
Some of the loneliest findings weren't about friend counts at all, but about the small gestures nobody tracks. For one in four men under 40, no one seems to be checking in on them, as they can't remember the last time anyone reached out just to see how they were doing. That number rises to 28% of single men. And one in five can't remember the last time someone touched them affectionately in a non-romantic way, like a hug or a hand on the shoulder. Being in a relationship isn’t the fix you might think it is, as partnered men are actually more likely than single men to say they have no one to talk to when they're struggling (38% vs. 30%).
<iframe src="https://www.rula.com/embeds/asset-5-blind-spot.html" title="What people say about lonely men they know" data-rula="blind-spot" height="1403" scrolling="no" style="width:100%;border:0;overflow:hidden;display:block;"></iframe>To see this from another angle, we also surveyed a separate group of people who are close to a man under 40 and asked them about the man in their life, and we discovered that they often underestimate his loneliness. Overall, only 16% think the young man in their life often seems lonely, compared to nearly one in four men who say they frequently feel that way.
Just 32% of people close to a young man say his friend circle has shrunk over the past five years, compared to 44% of men who say theirs has. And 41% think the young man in their life was hugged or touched warmly this week, compared to only 29% of men say they were.
How men cope with loneliness
Feeling lonely is one thing. What men do with that feeling is another, and the pattern here is telling. When loneliness sets in, young men tend to turn inward toward a screen rather than outward toward a person.
<iframe src="https://www.rula.com/embeds/asset-4-coping-methods.html" title="What men reach for when they feel lonely" data-rula="coping" height="964" scrolling="no" style="width:100%;border:0;overflow:hidden;display:block;"></iframe>The three most common responses are all solitary: 61% scroll social media, 59% play video games, and 52% stream shows or videos. Reaching out to someone barely registers by comparison. From there the list drops off sharply into quieter, more private coping, as 17% turn to pornography and 13% to alcohol. Smaller shares lean on oversleeping (11%), overworking (10%), or overeating (9%) to get through it.
Whether a man has a partner shifts the picture, too. Single men are noticeably more likely than partnered men to reach for pornography (21% vs. 14%), and they more often turn to drugs and oversleeping as well. And for some, the answer is simply to endure it. Nearly one in 11 men say they turn to nothing at all when loneliness hits. They just wait it out.
It's worth sitting with how much of this happens on a screen, because for a lot of young men the screen is where the day already lives. More than one in four men under 40 spend three or more hours a day on social media, and Gen Z men are the heaviest users of all, at 34% compared to 24% of millennial men.
The habits that track with loneliness
<iframe src="https://www.rula.com/embeds/asset-6-daily-habits.html" title="Daily routines that track with loneliness" data-rula="habits" height="734" scrolling="no" style="width:100%;border:0;overflow:hidden;display:block;"></iframe>After seeing how much of this coping happens on a screen, we looked at which daily habits actually track with loneliness. Some habits line up with loneliness far more than others. Among men who view pornography daily, 48% say they frequently feel lonely. The rate is nearly as high for the heaviest gamers and social media users as 43% of men who game four or more hours a day frequently feel lonely, as do 42% of those who spend that long on social media.
Pornography shows the sharpest threshold of anything we measured. Loneliness stays flat among men who view it never (15%), rarely (12%), or a few times a month (14%), then jumps to 33% at a few times a week.
<iframe src="https://www.rula.com/embeds/asset-7-gaming-myth.html" title="The gamer-recluse stereotype falls apart" data-rula="gaming-myth" height="742" scrolling="no" style="width:100%;border:0;overflow:hidden;display:block;"></iframe>We weren't surprised that heavy gaming and loneliness track together at the extreme. What did surprise us is the other end of the spectrum. Men who don't game at all are lonelier than men who play in moderation (26% vs. 19%), and they're far more likely to have zero close friends (13% vs. 2%).
The lonely-gamer-in-the-basement image also describes a much smaller group than the stereotype suggests, as only 8% of men under 40 play four or more hours a day, while 42% play less than an hour and 15% don't play at all. For a lot of young men, moderate gaming looks social rather than isolating.
You are not alone
As our study has shown, young men routinely feel isolated, but our hope is that this study will encourage those close to these men to reassure them that they are not alone. Whether you make an effort to get to know them better, spend more time with them in person, or make time to just listen to the good and bad within their lives, sometimes these small gestures can go a long way in improving a person’s overall mental well-being.
Whether you are seeking help for someone you know or you are searching for resources for yourself, the team at Rula is here to help. By sharing your zip code and the type of care you would like, we will provide you with a list of therapists who are available to you on a schedule that works best for you. Get started today by learning how to find a therapist who’s a good fit for you.
Methodology
In this study, we set out to learn about loneliness among men under 40. To do this, we surveyed 1,980 people across the U.S., including men under 40 and people close to a man under 40, to get a full picture of men's loneliness. We asked the men about their own experiences and then asked the people close to a man under 40 the same questions about the man in their life. We asked how often they feel lonely, how many close friends they have, how often they see friends in person, what they turn to when loneliness hits, and more.
We then awarded points to the responses that showed loneliness in each survey. Because the two surveys had a different number of points available, we put each survey's scores on a common scale so they could be compared fairly. We averaged those scores by city across 40 major cities, then combined the two surveys into one score for each city, weighting the men's own responses more heavily (70%) than the responses of the people close to them (30%). Finally, we adjusted those scores on a scale of 0 to 100, with 100 representing the city where loneliness hits men under 40 hardest.
Rula Health
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Rula’s editorial team is on a mission to make science-backed mental health insights accessible and practical for every person seeking to better understand or improve mental wellness.
Members of Rula’s clinical leadership team and other expert providers contribute to all published content, offering guidance on themes and insights based on their firsthand experience in the field. Every piece of content is thoroughly reviewed by a clinician before publishing.
