Regretting having kids is more common than people talk about, and it doesn’t mean you don’t love your children.
Parental regret often grows from stress, burnout, mental health struggles, or lack of support.
Support, coping strategies, and therapy can help regret soften and make parenthood feel more manageable over time.
If you’ve ever thought, “I regret having kids,” you aren’t alone. Many parents have this thought at some point. It can feel heavy and confusing. It can also feel scary to say out loud — especially in a culture that treats parenthood as something you should never question.
Research suggests that parental regret is more common than people realize. In fact, between 7% and 14% of parents [1] report ongoing regret about becoming a parent. Many more say they have felt regret at different points — especially during times of stress, burnout, or lack of support.
Experiencing feelings of regret doesn’t mean that you don’t love your children. It means something in your life or support system may need care too. Fortunately, support is available.
Why some parents regret having kids
Parental regret doesn’t come from one place. It often comes about because of stress, loss, or unmet needs [2]. Many parents feel more than one of these factors at the same time.
Common reasons why parents experience regret include:
Feeling trapped by parenthood: Parenthood is permanent. Some parents grieve the loss of freedom, time, or the identity they had before [1]. This feeling can grow when support is limited. But feeling trapped doesn’t mean that you don’t love your child.
Comments and judgment from others: Remarks like, “You don’t seem motherly,” or, “Other parents manage fine,” can hurt. These comments can trigger shame and self-doubt. Over time, they may lead parents to question themselves or their decision to have kids.
Feeling like other parents are pretending: Many parents compare themselves to others who seem calm and fulfilled. Online posts and small talk often hide real struggles. This can make regret feel isolating and abnormal, even when it’s common.
Postpartum regret: Regret can appear after birth due to sleep loss, hormone changes, or postpartum depression or anxiety. This type of regret often feels intense and sudden. However, it’s treatable and doesn’t predict how someone will feel long term.
External pressure to become a parent: Some people become parents because of family pressure, cultural expectations, or fear of regret later. When the choice wasn’t fully theirs, regret can feel stronger after the child arrives.
Regret tied to other life choices: Some parents also feel regret about their relationship or marriage. Parenting can magnify existing stress or dissatisfaction. In these cases, the regret may be about the situation, not the child.
People not talking about it: Regretting parenthood is very stigmatized, so many parents stay silent out of fear of judgment. This silence can increase loneliness [3] and emotional distress.
Some regret reflects a normal response to burnout or lack of support. Other forms may signal depression, trauma, or feeling unsafe, which deserve care and attention. Regret isn’t a moral failure. Rather, it’s information about what someone needs to improve their well-being.
The role of mental health in regretting children
Many parents wonder whether they actually regret having kids or if their mental health is shaping how they feel. This question comes up often in forums and support spaces. Parenting can feel very different when someone is dealing with depression, anxiety, or trauma. These conditions can drain energy, reduce patience, and make daily stress feel harder to manage.
When someone is struggling with their mental health, regret can feel louder and more constant. Depression may bring hopeless thoughts. Anxiety can keep the body in a state of fear. Trauma can make caregiving feel overwhelming. In these moments, regret may reflect exhaustion or distress rather than a clear wish to undo parenthood.
Regret itself can then make a person’s mental health worse [4]. Many parents feel shame for having these thoughts. They may stay silent or pull away from the support that’s available to them. This isolation can deepen low mood and increase stress. With care and support, mental health symptoms can improve, and for some parents, regret begins to soften or change over time.
How to cope when you regret having kids
Regret can feel heavy and confusing. But it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad parent or that something is wrong with you. Coping often starts with lowering shame and getting honest support.
Some steps you can try on your own to reduce overwhelm and make day-to-day life feel more manageable include:
Naming the feeling: Regret often points to stress or unmet needs rather than failure.
Reducing isolation: Talk to people you trust or read stories from other parents who have similar feelings.
Releasing unrealistic pressure: Remind yourself that parenting doesn’t have to feel joyful every day.
Protecting rest and time for yourself: Even short breaks can help lower overwhelm.
Focusing on today: Small changes matter more than finding perfect answers.
Some people find it helpful to shift how they relate to parenthood itself. For example, you might try:
Redefining good parenting: It doesn’t always have to look happy, natural, or effortless.
Allowing mixed feelings: Love and regret can exist at the same time.
Building meaning differently: Care and consistency matter more than constant enjoyment.
Therapy can help you make sense of regret without rushing you toward a conclusion. It creates space to explore whether your feelings are shaped by mental health, exhaustion, or life circumstances or whether they reflect deeper and ongoing dissatisfaction with parenthood. A therapist can help you sort through feelings of guilt, pressure, and fear so you can respond to your reality with more clarity and support.
Getting help doesn’t mean you want to undo parenthood. It means you want to understand yourself better and live in a way that feels more sustainable.
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A common but unhelpful response is trying to silence regret through guilt or comparison. Telling yourself that you ‘shouldn’t feel this way’ often increases shame and keeps parents from getting the support they need.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
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Regretting having kids is more common than many people realize. It often reflects stress, burnout, or unmet needs, not a lack of love. With the right help, many parents find clarity and more sustainable ways to live and parent.
At Rula, we’re here to help you feel better. Rula makes it easy to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who takes your insurance. That way, you don’t have to choose between great care and a price you can afford.
Rula patients pay about $15 per session with insurance, and 93% say they feel better after getting care through Rula. We have 21,000+ providers, and appointments are available as soon as tomorrow. We’re here to help you take the next step — wherever you are in your mental health journey.
References
- I Should Not Have Had a Child: Development and Validation of the Parenthood Regret Scale https://www.researchgate.net/publication/374478081_I_Should_Not_Have_Had_a_Child_Development_and_Validation_of_the_Parenthood_Regret_Scale
- What do parents regret about having children? Communicating regrets online https://www.academia.edu/38113559/What_do_parents_regret_about_having_children_Communicating_regrets_online
- Loneliness Among Parents in Sweden Who Regret Having Children https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10826-024-02988-8
- The Regret Elements Scale: Distinguishing the affective and cognitive components of regret https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/judgment-and-decision-making/article/regret-elements-scale-distinguishing-the-affective-and-cognitive-components-of-regret/46D36FECD3CB1B257095322A5BC514E5
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
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