In a codependent friendship, one person is overly dependent on the other for emotional support and validation.
Some potential signs of codependency include poor boundaries, limited independence, and emotional burnout.
If you’re in a codependent friendship, know that change is possible. With self-awareness and support, you can overcome codependent behaviors and focus on more balanced connections.
There’s something special about having a good friend — someone who’s loyal, makes you laugh, and lifts you up when you’re feeling down. However, there’s a difference between a close connection and a codependent friendship.
Codependency is a relationship pattern in which you prioritize another person’s problems, needs, and emotions over your own. Maintaining this type of friendship can impact both people’s independence, self-worth, and general well-being.
Small ways codependency shows up in friendships
Codependency is a relationship dynamic that involves an imbalance of power. In most codependent friendships, one person relies on the other for validation and emotional support. It tends to develop gradually over time and can become all-consuming for both people.
One of the biggest red flags for a codependent friendship is a lack of healthy boundaries. You might have trouble saying no to your friend or separating their life from your own. Without clear boundaries, the relationship can even begin to impact your sense of self [1].
Some other common characteristics of codependency [2] in friendships include:
Having a sense of responsibility for the other person’s feelings
Strongly desiring the other person’s attention and approval
Difficulty trusting yourself or the other person
Trouble sharing your opinions or making decisions without the other person
Ignoring other relationships, hobbies, and interests to meet the other person’s needs
Dynamics in a codependent friendship
Codependency dynamics can vary but typically involve two roles: the giver and the taker. The giver — also known as the caretaker or enabler — prioritizes the taker’s thoughts, feelings, and needs over their own.
The giver focuses on being a supportive friend. You may find it difficult to say no, even when it means sacrificing your own time, energy, and happiness. Givers enjoy feeling needed and important, but this role can lead to resentment and burnout.
As a taker, you depend on your friend for attention and stability. You might rely on them to solve your problems but not offer that same support in return. You expect them to be there for you, then feel jealous and anxious when they’re unavailable.
Where codependent tendencies come from
The way you were raised can play an important role in how you connect with people later in life.
In many cases, codependent tendencies stem from your upbringing and family dynamics. This may include growing up with caregivers who were critical and controlling [1] or experiencing neglect and abuse as a child. Managing adult responsibilities as a child, like having parents with substance use issues [3], is another risk factor.
Codependent tendencies may also be more common among people with underlying mental health challenges. This includes anxiety, depression, substance use disorders [4], and personality disorders.
Why codependency is harmful in friendships
Being in a codependent relationship of any kind can take a toll on your mental health and the way you live your life. While healthy friendships have been shown to reduce stress and boost resilience, codependent friendships may do just the opposite.
This type of friendship can impact your confidence and ability to trust yourself and others. You may find it difficult to cope with change or try new things without the other person’s support.
Other potential consequences of a codependent friendship [5] include:
Increased anxiety, stress, and burnout
Difficulty understanding and regulating your emotions
Lack of independence
Difficulty communicating your wants and needs
Increased resentment when the relationship feels one-sided
Can you fix a codependent friendship?
Changing a codependent friendship begins with self-awareness. If you believe that your relationship with a certain friend has become unhealthy or imbalanced, the following questions are worth considering.
Ask yourself:
“Is it hard for me to set or maintain boundaries with this friend?”
“Does my mood change based on their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors?”
“Have I changed significant parts of myself, like interests or other relationships, to maintain this connection?”
“Do I feel comfortable sharing my genuine feelings with them?”
Once you recognize the signs of codependency, both people must make an intentional choice to challenge and change those harmful relationship dynamics.
Steps toward healthier relationships
There’s room for growth on both sides of the relationship.
If you’re the giver, you can:
Request some time apart. Taking time to process your feelings can help you understand how to move forward. Be honest with your friend, and let them know that you’re finding your relationship a bit challenging at the moment.
Prioritize your own needs. It’s important to remember that you have your own identity outside of your friend. Reconnect with former hobbies, other friends, and parts of you that are separate from that friendship.
Set clear boundaries. Boundaries are an opportunity to communicate your limits and ensure that your own needs are being met. For example, let's say a friend tries to pressure you into plans. You might say something like, “I’m going to take some time for myself this weekend. I get that you might be disappointed, but I need to do what’s best for me.”
If you’re the taker, you can:
Reflect on your thoughts and behaviors. If you believe you’re exhibiting codependent tendencies, take some time to reflect on the way you interact with your friend. For example, you might examine how you react when you’re feeling down, how you cope with challenging emotions, and if you offer your friend the same level of comfort or support when they’re going through a difficult time.
Explore ways to become more independent. If you’re used to consulting or confiding in your friend, consider how you can manage without their support. You may find that making decisions on your own empowers you to feel more confident and accomplished.
Changing long-term habits often requires professional support. If you're in a codependent friendship that's impacting your quality of life, it's worth speaking with someone who can help. Therapy can help you understand the root cause of your codependency and how it’s impacting your relationships today.
Through individual therapy or sessions with your friend, therapy is an opportunity to strengthen your communication skills, develop healthier coping methods, and set healthier boundaries in your relationships. Whether you decide to end the friendship or find ways to heal, therapy can help you make the decision that’s right for you.
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I often hear clients say that being a good friend means always showing up, no matter the cost to themselves. But healthy friendship doesn’t require you to ignore your own needs to prove that you care. You can support someone and still have limits around what you can give.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
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If you’re experiencing a codependent friendship, it may be time to focus on your relationship with yourself. Therapy can help you focus on clear communication, set healthy boundaries, and prioritize your own needs. With the right support, you can decide how to move forward and nurture friendships that help you feel your best.
At Rula, we’re here to help you feel better. Rula makes it easy to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who takes your insurance. That way, you don’t have to choose between great care and a price you can afford.
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References
- The Lived Experience of Codependency: an Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11469-018-9983-8
- Am I Codependent? https://coda.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/Am-I-Co-Dependent-Bro-4002.pdf
- The Impact of Substance Use Disorders on Families and Children: From Theory to Practice https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3725219/
- Codependency and Coping Strategies in the Spouses of Substance Abusers https://saspublishers.com/media/articles/SJAMS_97_1130-1138.pdf
- Co-Dependency https://mhanational.org/resources/co-dependency/
Alex Bachert
Alex Bachert is a freelance copywriter and mental health advocate. Since earning her masters degree in public health, she has focused her career on creating informative content that empowers people to prioritize their health and well-being. Alex has partnered with organizations like Ro, WellTheory, and Firsthand, and her work has been recognized by the Digital Health Association.
When she’s not writing about mental health, Alex is usually playing pickleball, meeting with her local board of health, or enjoying time with her three kids.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
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