Loving someone with alcohol use disorder

It’s common to worry about the drinking habits of someone you love. Maybe it’s someone you started dating recently, or perhaps it’s a person you’re in a long-term relationship with. Either way, being with someone who has untreated alcohol use disorder (AUD) can be incredibly challenging. 

When someone has an unhealthy relationship with drinking, it can feel like alcohol is another person in the relationship. Drinking can influence how present a person can be, how they treat their partner, and how well they care for themselves. While it’s completely possible to love a person with AUD, it can be difficult to have a healthy relationship with them if they’re unwilling to seek help. 

Fortunately, recovery from AUD is possible. This frequently involves family and loved ones, and increasing your awareness about AUD can be an important part of the process. While you can’t force a partner into treatment for AUD, learning more about it can help you spot the warning signs and know when to seek your own mental health support. 

A note on language: Sometimes, people use terms like “alcoholic,” “high-functioning alcoholic,” or “alcoholism” when they’re talking or writing about harmful alcohol use or addiction. These terms are no longer preferred in most clinical settings because they’re considered stigmatizing. That’s why you’ll see the term “alcohol use disorder” (or AUD) throughout this article instead. However, we also want to affirm that no matter where someone is on their recovery journey, they get to choose the language they use to describe their relationship with alcohol.

Signs you’re dating someone with alcohol use disorder

People can have very different opinions and preferences around alcohol, and AUD isn’t always easy to spot. Sometimes, it can be tough to tell when someone’s drinking habits are crossing the line into AUD territory. 

Only a licensed medical or mental health professional can issue an official AUD diagnosis. But your partner might be living with AUD if:

• Drinking takes priority. Your partner’s social life is dominated by drinking. For example, if alcohol isn’t being served at an event, they’re less interested in attending.

• Arguments keep repeating. You’re caught up in a cycle of conflict around your partner’s drinking. For example, your partner comes home drunk, you become upset, and an argument follows. The conflict may then lead your partner to drink even more, repeating the same pattern over time.

• They keep drinking despite the consequences. Your partner’s life has been negatively impacted by their drinking, but they still won’t slow down. Maybe it’s affected their employment, financial stability, physical well-being, mental health, etc.

• You’re keeping it a secret. You feel pressured to conceal how much your partner is drinking. You find yourself putting on a facade so other people don’t know how bad things are.

• Affection only happens when they drink. The only time your partner is willing to be affectionate or emotionally open is when they’re drinking. 

• Their tolerance has increased. You’ve noticed an increase in the amount of alcohol your partner needs to drink to feel the effects. This could mean that they’ve built up a tolerance.

• They struggle without alcohol. Your partner becomes angry, agitated, or physically ill if they can’t access alcohol. They spend considerable amounts of time, money, and other resources acquiring and drinking alcohol.

• They seem to become a different person. When your partner drinks, it’s like they become someone you barely recognize. There have been times when you worry about your safety when they’re drinking.

Your partner doesn’t need to exhibit all of these warning signs to have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Some people have used the “high-functioning” label for heavy drinkers who appear to maintain their responsibilities. Unfortunately, this term can undercut the seriousness of someone’s drinking and, in doing so, prevent them from seeking help. 

How a partner’s alcohol use can affect you

A partner’s alcohol use can be a heavy emotional burden to carry. You might be constantly worried about their safety — especially if they’re drinking and operating a vehicle or engaging in other dangerous behaviors. 

If your partner is in denial, you might feel trapped between two versions of reality. On the one hand, you can observe how your partner’s drinking affects them (and others). But if they consistently downplay or won’t acknowledge the problem, you might start doubting yourself. 

Being with someone with AUD can also be isolating. When drinking takes center stage in the relationship, it might be hard to talk to friends and loved ones about what’s really going on. And if your partner is no longer interested in sober socializing, you both might start spending more time alone or at home. 

AUD doesn’t just impact one person. It has a ripple effect that can affect everyone in the affected person’s orbit, including their romantic partner(s). So, if any of these dynamics sound familiar, please know that you’re not alone, and support is available. 

Tips for navigating a relationship when alcohol is an issue

If you suspect that you’re in a relationship with a person with AUD, the following tips ^[1] can help you cope. 

• Encourage treatment. It isn’t always easy to start a conversation about someone else’s drinking habits. So, before you bring it up, try to choose a time when you can talk without being rushed or interrupted. You should also prepare for some initial resistance and expect to have more than one discussion on this topic. Let your partner know that you care, are concerned, and sincerely want to help. If they’re open to it, you can also offer to help with practical concerns, like child care or transportation, that might make it easier for them to enter treatment. 

• Seek your own support. If someone you care about has AUD, you might be spending lots of time trying to help them. But in the process, don’t forget about your own well-being. Being mentally and physically healthy can increase your capacity to support your partner. So try to do things that nourish your spirit, and spend time with other people who care about you. You might also want to consider individual therapy and/or joining a support group like Al-Anon ^[2].

• Set healthy boundaries. If your partner’s drinking feels out of control and they’re not willing to make a change, it might seem like the simplest solution would be to leave them. But there are many reasons why that may not be a realistic or desired option. If you have to stay with someone with AUD, it’s important to set healthy boundaries. You can’t control their behavior, but you can set limits on how you respond. For example, maybe you can choose not to share physical space with them while they’re drinking. 

• Know that it’s OK to leave. AUD is a treatable condition. Many people with substance use disorders (SUDs) lead full, healthy lives with their partners after seeking treatment. However, it’s important to remember that recovery is a lifelong process, and you get to choose what you want your future to look like. If your partner is unwilling or unable to change their relationship with alcohol, it’s OK to end the relationship. You can love someone deeply and still not want untreated AUD to be a part of your life.

Clinician’s take

Many partners believe that if they love someone enough, protect them from consequences, or say the right thing, they’ll finally stop drinking. While those efforts usually come from a place of care, they can sometimes make it easier for unhealthy alcohol use to continue. Real change has to come from the person with alcohol use disorder, even though loved ones can play an important role in supporting recovery.

Brandy Chalmers, LPC

Clinical reviewer