Self-punishment is when you make yourself suffer because you think you did something wrong.
It can include behaviors like negative self-talk, self-injury, and denying yourself things that you need or enjoy.
It’s never too late to break unhealthy cycles. If you’re ready to reduce self-punishment and develop greater compassion for yourself, therapy can help.
Everyone makes mistakes sometimes, but the way we respond to those mistakes matters. If you think you deserve to suffer for certain situations or wrongdoings, you may be stuck in a cycle of self-punishment.
Self-punishment is a way of dealing with negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It can involve physical punishment like self-harm* or more psychological actions like negative self-talk. Over time, self-punishment can significantly impact your self-esteem, mental health, and overall well-being.
*The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline offers 24/7 confidential support through trained crisis counselors. If you or someone you care about is experiencing emotional distress, self-harm, or a suicidal crisis, please call or text 988. For life-threatening emergencies or immediate assistance, call 911.
What self-punishment can look like
Self-punishment is when you intentionally cause yourself pain, whether it’s physical or emotional. It can take different forms, and it may be so subtle that you don’t even realize you’re doing it.
Some examples of self-punishment include:
Negative self-talk: You might compare yourself to others, tell yourself you’re not good enough, or default to self-deprecating humor. Let’s say you make a mistake at work. Instead of making it right and moving on, you view yourself as incompetent and a failure.
Denying yourself: You deny yourself things you enjoy because you don’t feel like you deserve them. For example, you might think you don’t deserve to watch your favorite TV show or order a coffee on the way to work. You might even deny yourself necessities like food and rest.
Overworking: You push yourself to make up for perceived mistakes, even when it's not necessary or beneficial. Overworking may be common among people who associate their self-worth with their jobs or who have perfectionistic traits.
Refusing help: In some cases, refusing to ask or accept help from other people can be a form of self-punishment. You might believe that you deserve to struggle or that you should be able to handle your responsibilities without support.
Other forms of self-punishment may be more noticeable. Self-harm, or nonsuicidal self-injury, is when you intentionally harm yourself as a way to cope with uncomfortable feelings and situations.
Some common self-harm behaviors include:
Cutting your skin
Burning your skin
Hitting or banging your head
Compulsively picking at your skin
Why you might feel the urge to punish yourself
People punish themselves for different reasons, but it often stems from early childhood experiences and how you view yourself today. Self-punishment can feel like a way to maintain control in uncomfortable situations or to hurt yourself before someone else can do it first. It’s how some people cope with difficult feelings [1] like guilt, anger, and frustration.
You might engage in self-punishment for the following reasons.
1. You think you deserve it
Some people find it difficult to move past their mistakes. Research shows that people who are prone to experiencing this type of shame are more likely to self-punish [2]. You may feel like you deserve to be punished, even when others forgive you.
2. You’re compensating for your mistakes
You might believe that punishing yourself is a chance to make up for perceived wrongdoings. For example, you might think to yourself, “If I suffer enough, it’ll make up for what I did." While it may soothe your guilt temporarily, it’s not a long-term solution for managing conflict or coping with your emotions.
3. You think it will make you a better person
Self-punishment can also be used as a way to motivate or inspire behavior change. For example, you tell yourself you can’t go out with friends because you didn’t clean your house. While it may inspire some positive change, it’s not considered the most healthy or effective way to grow.
Chronic self-punishment has also been linked to a range of mental health conditions, including:
The emotional dangers of self-punishment
Punishing yourself may temporarily reduce your guilt, but it rarely leads to emotional healing or positive change. In most situations, punishing yourself actually does more harm than good.
Self-punishment can lead to a cycle of toxic shame. You might begin to internalize your guilt and feel responsible for things that aren’t your fault. Over time, you may start to incorrectly believe that you’re unworthy of happiness, kindness, and love.
This type of behavior can also cause and worsen symptoms of existing mental health challenges, like anxiety and depression.
How to stop the cycle of self-punishment
Avoiding self-punishment isn't always easy, but it’s possible with awareness and self-compassion.
Consider focusing on these strategies for reducing harmful behaviors.
1. Challenge harmful thinking
The next time you make a mistake, remind yourself that your actions don’t define you as a person. Instead of thinking, “I’m a bad person,” try, “I made a mistake, but that doesn't define me.” This mindset can help you reframe your perspective before resorting to punishing behaviors.
2. Learn to regulate your emotions
Emotional regulation is the ability to recognize, manage, and respond to your feelings and experiences. The next time you’re upset with yourself, pause to consider these questions:
“What am I feeling right now?”
“What happened to make me feel this way?”
“How would I typically respond?”
“Is there a healthier way to manage these feelings?”
Journaling, mindfulness and meditation, and regular physical activity might be effective options for expressing your feelings.
3. Seek professional guidance
If self-punishment has become a default coping mechanism, it’s worth speaking with someone who can help. Therapy offers a supportive space to identify harmful thoughts and behaviors, increase your emotional awareness, and build healthier habits. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is considered an effective therapy approach for reducing self-punishing behaviors.
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If your inner voice is driven more by shame than growth, it may be self-punishment in disguise. Healthy self-improvement is flexible and encouraging, while self-punishment says you have to earn your worth by being perfect or never making mistakes.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
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People engage in self-punishment to compensate for mistakes or cope with feelings like anger and guilt. Unfortunately, it can actually worsen your mental health and lead to more problems. If you or someone you know is dealing with self-punishing behaviors, consider speaking with a qualified mental health professional.
At Rula, we’re here to help you feel better. Rula makes it easy to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who takes your insurance. That way, you don’t have to choose between great care and a price you can afford.
Rula patients pay about $15 per session with insurance, and 93% say they feel better after getting care through Rula. We have 21,000+ providers, and appointments are available as soon as tomorrow. We’re here to help you take the next step — wherever you are in your mental health journey.
References
- Moral masochism: On the connection between guilt and self-punishment https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2012-25093-001
- Shame-prone people are more likely to punish themselves: A test of the reputation-maintenance explanation for self-punishment https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Febs0000016
Alex Bachert
Alex Bachert is a freelance copywriter and mental health advocate. Since earning her masters degree in public health, she has focused her career on creating informative content that empowers people to prioritize their health and well-being. Alex has partnered with organizations like Ro, WellTheory, and Firsthand, and her work has been recognized by the Digital Health Association.
When she’s not writing about mental health, Alex is usually playing pickleball, meeting with her local board of health, or enjoying time with her three kids.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
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