How to overcome infidelity and heal individually or as a couple

Most people see infidelity or cheating as having no place in a healthy, long-term relationship. But despite these attitudes, it’s incredibly common. According to national surveys, approximately 15% of women and 25% of men admit to engaging in sexual activity outside of their committed partnership. When we account for emotional affairs without a sexual component, those rates increase by 20%.

So if you’re one of the many people whose relationship has been impacted by infidelity, know that you’re not alone and help is available. Infidelity is one of the primary reasons that couples seek therapy. But whether you seek to heal from a breach of trust as a couple or on your own, know that you can overcome the pain of infidelity and repair your ability to trust.

What counts as cheating in a relationship?

When you hear the term “infidelity,” what do you think of? For most people, it calls to mind images of cheating or sexual liaisons outside of a committed partnership. But the truth is that infidelity can take many forms, and cheating isn’t limited to sexual affairs. Each couple gets to define the rules that govern their relationship. What counts as infidelity in one couple might not be viewed the same way by others.

For example, some people might view flirting, texting, or other online interactions as cheating. But others may view sexual activity as the only type of infidelity that could violate trust. It’s also important to note that, for some people, emotional affairs can be more damaging than sexual ones. This might include sharing deep, personal information and cultivating non-sexual intimacy with a person who isn’t your partner.

Dig deeper:

• Emotional cheating

Why infidelity happens in relationships

After discovering infidelity, it's natural to want to know why it happened. Understanding what led to the affair may help you make sense of what happened and decide what you want to do next. But searching for an explanation can also slow healing if you feel like you need every detail or a perfectly satisfying answer before you can move forward.

There’s rarely one reason why someone cheats. Research suggests that infidelity can be linked to many factors, including relationship dissatisfaction, feeling neglected, anger, sexual desire, low commitment, wanting sexual variety, self-esteem needs, or circumstances like alcohol use. Sometimes several factors are involved.

Understanding these factors doesn't excuse the decision to cheat or place blame on the partner who was betrayed. The person who was unfaithful is responsible for their choices.

How to heal from infidelity

There are many ways to overcome infidelity. For some couples, a serious breach of trust may prompt the end of their relationship. Other couples may choose to work together with a shared desire to repair their connection. But whether you embark on this journey individually or as a couple, know that you can heal from infidelity with the right support.

If you’re feeling lost or unsure what to do next, give yourself time for self-care and to process your emotions. Then, consider using the following steps as you think about what’s next for you and your relationship.

1. Acknowledge the pain. The early days and weeks after an infidelity disclosure can leave you feeling heartbroken, angry, and betrayed. Your emotions may vary from one moment to another, and that’s completely normal. Remember, this isn’t a linear process, and you deserve whatever time and space you need to acknowledge your pain and grieve the loss of trust you’ve experienced.

2. Communicate openly about the betrayal. If you’ve experienced infidelity in your relationship, you might wish you could just press a “reset” button and go back to the way things used to be. But experts say that attempting to push difficult emotions under the rug in an attempt to return to normalcy could cause further damage to the relationship. Instead, both partners need to communicate openly and honestly about the betrayal and their wishes for the future.

3. Decide on a path forward together or separately. People respond to infidelity in different ways, and many factors can shape your desire to stay together or separate. You get to decide what is ultimately best for you and your mental health. But if you and your partner decide to stay together and work toward healing, it must be a joint effort. Keep in mind that it may take you some time to make a decision, and that’s OK.

4. Consider therapy. Many people find that it’s helpful to work with a therapist to process the pain of infidelity and repair their ability to trust. You can do this either in couples counseling, individual counseling, or with a combination of both.

Can a relationship survive infidelity?

Some relationships can survive infidelity. Rebuilding a relationship after an affair takes time, and staying together doesn't necessarily mean the relationship has healed. Both partners need to decide whether they're willing to work toward rebuilding trust.

Research on couples who stayed together after infidelity has found that communication, commitment, rebuilding trust and safety, and forgiveness can play important roles in recovery. 

Signs that a relationship may be able to heal include:

• The affair has ended

• The partner who cheated takes responsibility for their choices

• Both partners are willing to communicate openly

• The hurt partner has space to express their feelings and ask questions

• Both partners are willing to rebuild trust over time

• Both people want to work on the relationship

Can cheaters change? 

Yes, having cheated doesn't mean someone will always cheat. But change requires more than promising it won't happen again. The person who cheated may need to understand what contributed to their choices, take responsibility, respect new boundaries, and consistently act in ways that rebuild trust.

​​Common relationship challenges after infidelity

Even when both partners want to stay together, healing from unfaithfulness can bring challenges. These may include:

• Insecurity and self-doubt: The betrayed partner may question their worth or worry that the affair was somehow their fault.

• Difficulty trusting: Changes in plans, late texts, or other situations may cause suspicion or fear of another affair.

• Communication problems: Conversations about the affair may lead to anger, guilt, defensiveness, or shutting down.

• Changes in intimacy: Emotional or physical closeness may feel different as the couple works to rebuild trust.

These challenges don’t mean the relationship can’t recover. Honest communication, clear boundaries, and consistent actions can help rebuild trust over time.

How couples therapy can support healing after infidelity

Research shows that therapy can help couples work through infidelity, stay together, and even improve their relationship. While the process can vary from one couple to the next, a couples therapist can help you and your partner address three important aspects of overcoming infidelity.

A couples therapist can help you:

• Identify the underlying reasons the infidelity occurred. Most of the time, infidelity is a symptom of a deeper concern that you must address for lasting healing to occur. A therapist can help you and your partner explore why the infidelity happened and create a plan to work through those dynamics individually or as a couple. These might include addressing things like emotional trauma, a fear of abandonment, attachment issues, negative past experiences, retaliation for past hurts, or low self-esteem.

• Increase your understanding of the relationship dynamics that need to change. Affairs don’t usually happen in a vacuum, and each person must be willing to acknowledge what role they had in contributing to a loss of closeness and trust. A therapist can help you and your partner understand the interpersonal dynamics you need to shift if you wish to stay together.

• Work together toward a mutual resolution. If the choice is to remain together, you and your partner both need to take an active role in the therapeutic process. But to get to that point, you’ll both need to reflect on why you want to remain in the relationship, what you want your relationship to look like in the future, and what you both need to move forward.

How long does it take to heal from infidelity?

When it comes to healing from infidelity, there’s no set timeline for recovery. Infidelity can cause a significant loss of trust that may take a long time to process.

Remember, your healing journey is your own. Whether you decide to stay with your partner or end the relationship, be patient with yourself throughout this experience, and remember that healing is hard work. Try to channel some self-compassion, and know that you are not defined by your relationships.

And if you need some extra help, don’t hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional for individual therapy. Sometimes, infidelity can lead to relationship trauma that can be difficult to overcome on your own. But by working with a therapist, you can address the effects of infidelity, repair your ability to trust, and overcome the trauma of betrayal.

Dig deeper:

• The stages of guilt after cheating

Clinician’s take

After infidelity, I encourage couples to think of trust as something that’s rebuilt through actions, not promises. Consistency, honesty, and taking responsibility over time can tell you more than hearing ‘it won’t happen again.’

Brandy Chalmers, LPC

Clinical reviewer